A reflection of darkness in down under, an almost evening sky in Jakarta

How does a part of the world leave the world? How can wetness leave water?  RUMI


I went under
Deeper than I’ve been
Made a deal with darkness
To see what the shadows would cast

The darkness asked
If I was sure
If I really wanted to see
And I said yes

As I faced my fear and felt my pain
That was when I met the dark side of me
As I shook hands with it
The bitterness lingered

Not knowing how to end it
I did what I thought was best
I indulged it, welcomed it
I owned it

Almost at the end, down under
At the brink of despair
I felt something very familiar
It was pain that belongs to all of us

Breaking down
I wept for me
I wept for you
I wept for us




When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. – Rumi-


Only today I know what surrendering feels like for me. I used to think that to surrender is to believe that whatever happens is for the best. Leave it at that and move on, next.

And not until I am faced with great difficulty, only then I come to realize that I haven’t been doing any surrendering at all. All I did was to take the easy way out and hoping that it would turn out the best it could.

I was somehow taking life for granted, did what I thought was right and made decision based on what I liked and disliked. I was so much in control. Only later that I became conscious of the fact that to surrender, it requires the absence of control.

To surrender, we have to let go of the driver seat to life, sit on the passenger seat and enjoy the ride, like it or not, we have to learn how to bask in the view in front of us. The bump, the crash, the smash into, the run into as well as the charm, the magnificence, the loveliness and the blessing.

When we start to glide with life, the right thing and the right people start to appear in our life. For me, it was my attraction to take the iRest Yoga Nidra training. At least two things I learned from the course if not too many, to allow and to welcome every single thing and every single person who comes our way. And every single situation in our life. Be it hard, easy, impossible or enjoyable.

And yet, I was not there yet. I long to be in that state of complete surrender and I know something was still missing. There was still something I did not get. I have been practicing the allowing and welcoming, day and night, everyday.

And one day, which is today, I feel something so surreal, it was unearthly. But I know this is what absolute surrender feels like. It is the shiver running through my body, the tingling, the buzzing, radiantly shining out and in, up and down, front and back.  It is like I finally let go of myself and just be.


It is just like what Rumi said: “ When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.