I Guess It Doesn’t Matter

The Sky of Turki, a photograph by Ayda Sulianti

 

Waking up with that same old feeling

As presumptuous as the sound of my heart beating

Only it isn’t that, it is my past knocking

Peeping to steal my peace

The harder I try to ignore them

The louder the sound becomes

Echoing deep into my whole being

As the dark lingering smoke started to enfold my common sense

As if bundling me up for a sacrifice

Panic crept in, inches by inches

I could feel the pricking

Stung me frozen

Is it a dream? But why am I still here?

Floating nonsense, tormented with no pain

Broken hearted with no grief

Is it real? Is it me lugging this body?

Why everything moves in slow motion?

As if trying to photograph every details

Every move, every emotion

Million pieces of puzzle appearing out of nowhere

Takes me a while to see

They are pieces of my memories

Or are they scenes of never ending drama?

Are they mine?

This mosaic we called love

Or should we call it illusion?

Drawing me closer

So close, I am blinded

To the edge of self deception

Luring me to give in

Enticing me to surrender

I am sinking deep into the earth

I am flying, soaring into the sky

Which one is real?

Is it a dream?

I guess it doesn’t matter

Image/photograph is by Ayda Sulianti.  For more of her works, follow her Instagram @aydasulianti

Cloudless Sky

Samawa Beach, Indonesia, a photograph by Ayda Sulianti

What gives form to the world, has no form of its own. – Rumi-

 

It’s been few hours

Since I watched the sun rising

But the sky remains cloudless

 

Wonder how it feels like

Up there, looking down

So close yet never be

 

Has the sky plotting against us

In the game of hide and seek

With nothing to look for

 

It reminds me of that day

When the weight of hopelessness

Trembled me to the bone

 

The only way was to sink

Like a cruise liner

Sent down to the heart of the ocean

 

Oblivious to the commotion

In the absence of judgment

The sky was cloudless

As Everything Flows

Behind the veils intoxicated with love, I too dance the rhythm of this moving world”         -RUMI

 

When the night falls

In the absence of the bustling of life

Stillness pervades

But yet something is flowing

As boundaries begin to vanish

Fabricating into matrix of existence

And when the ground disintegrates

Crumbling into million of pieces

I think I see the moon

But maybe only its reflection

Dancing on the face of the water

Summoning whoever passing by

When the light begins to dim

Hanging to its one last breath

Darkness creeps in, compelling it to cave in

Everything turns black

And as everything flows

So it is

Surrender

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. – Rumi-

 

Only today I know what surrendering feels like for me. I used to think that to surrender is to believe that whatever happens is for the best. Leave it at that and move on, next.

And not until I am faced with great difficulty, only then I come to realize that I haven’t been doing any surrendering at all. All I did was to take the easy way out and hoping that it would turn out the best it could.

I was somehow taking life for granted, did what I thought was right and made decision based on what I liked and disliked. I was so much in control. Only later that I became conscious of the fact that to surrender, it requires the absence of control.

To surrender, we have to let go of the driver seat to life, sit on the passenger seat and enjoy the ride, like it or not, we have to learn how to bask in the view in front of us. The bump, the crash, the smash into, the run into as well as the charm, the magnificence, the loveliness and the blessing.

When we start to glide with life, the right thing and the right people start to appear in our life. For me, it was my attraction to take the iRest Yoga Nidra training. At least two things I learned from the course if not too many, to allow and to welcome every single thing and every single person who comes our way. And every single situation in our life. Be it hard, easy, impossible or enjoyable.

And yet, I was not there yet. I long to be in that state of complete surrender and I know something was still missing. There was still something I did not get. I have been practicing the allowing and welcoming, day and night, everyday.

And one day, which is today, I feel something so surreal, it was unearthly. But I know this is what absolute surrender feels like. It is the shiver running through my body, the tingling, the buzzing, radiantly shining out and in, up and down, front and back.  It is like I finally let go of myself and just be.

 

It is just like what Rumi said: “ When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.